The importance of facing personal shortcomings and my experience with remediation.
I started at NYU Dentistry in the Fall of 2018 with the energy and optimism of any new dental student. I was excited; in my mind, I was basically a dentist despite only being in training. That first semester I encountered all the usual challenges, from anatomy labs and biochemistry exams to memorable events which came and went, all without a single failure. I would not have said I was “thriving,” but rather just trying to find balance. For me, balance meant doing what was required, not overlooking any deadlines, and spending as much time as possible with my wife and son. Of course, I was tired, and it was stressful, but I was passing everything, and it did not seem all that bad. Challenges were expected and I seemed to be meeting them head on. Then came the spring semester.
Since college, I have always found that I performed best in my fall semester courses. All the post-holiday gloominess, sub-zero temperatures and burnout has never sat well with me, but in my mind dental school was going to be different. I had good intentions; I was still trying to spend every afternoon that I could with my son, often waking up at 3 am to study while it was quiet around the apartment. This schedule had been my successful strategy in the fall semester, but as time went on, it dragged me with it. Months of sleep deprivation affected my resilience. Adding on to that I was not staying hydrated, not keeping in touch with my parents or sister, or taking advantage of downtime on the weekends. While my schoolwork all seemed to be moving along, I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received a notification regarding remediation, which in my mind at the time, was the worst thing that could happen.
I should have seen it coming, and it could have been any course at that point, but neuroscience was the catalyst. For reference, I studied psychology with a focus on neuroscience in college. Prior to dental school I had worked in a neuroscience research laboratory where I ran MRIs and had recently completed a master’s degree with substantial emphasis on neuroscience. I knew what neurons looked like. Action potentials and saltatory conduction? Easy. I was going to be fine; but fine, I was not. I grossly overestimated my abilities. Days before the exam, I glossed over the lectures, then sat for one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I knew, within the first three questions of the exam that I had made a huge mistake. I flagged so many questions that my exam looked like the United Nations Plaza. Needless to say, I didn’t pass that test. “Okay,” I thought, “just a small hiccup.”
Instead of taking a step back, I doubled down by sleeping less so I could catch up. Fast-forward a few weeks and this strategy solidified my grade for neuroscience – I was officially going to remediate a course. Things went from recoverable to completely downhill after that. I felt vulnerable. I was not just breezing through anymore. At this point, bench lab was close to the only thing that kept me going; in fact, it sustained me – but I did not fix my sleeping schedule. I was studying, I thought, but I knew I could not focus. I would read things three times over. The final exam for Organ Systems, where I had been strongly performing the whole semester, completely crushed me. In one week, I undid weeks of studying for previous exams. It was official, Neuroscience was not the only course I would be remediating.
It was a tough pill to swallow. Having to remediate brought me back down to earth. I felt like a failure. Something that did not help was that there was a strong culture of silence about it too. Me, being the person I have always been, decided that the best approach was to be open about it and at least outwardly, not regard it as a shameful experience. I shared this with my peers, and it was painful. Like speaking to an empty hall or doing stand-up comedy with the wrong audience. I could almost hear the echo of my words as soon as they left my lips. Absolute, complete, awkward silence. The occasional “good luck” or “I’m sorry that sucks.” The interesting thing is that some of those people, as I found out a few days later, were remediating the same courses too!
I did not have time to dwell on it. I could not afford to repeat a year - but who can, really? I couldn’t come home and tell my wife, “hey, remember how I quit my job to go to dental school? You see how our child is quickly growing and I’m still a student? Guess what? It’s going to take one more year!”Despite the shame and challenges felt internally for remediating, I had also dragged other people, my immediate family, into it. I had to make it right. My wife, of course, knew I was remediating – I just never let on how scared I was.
I came up with a plan: meeting tutors whenever I could, avoiding studying in groups (I am chatty and it doesn’t help), and keeping my head in the lectures. I studied harder than I thought I could, made sleep and hydration a priority, and with a surprising amount of support from fellow classmates also remediating - I passed. Not everyone passed and it brought me great sadness; some of them said that I just got lucky. Maybe? But I forged strong friendships over those two weeks in the summer of 2019, the time that I essentially lived at the library – where going to Bobst felt like a treat. It was challenging, but I learned so much on a personal level during that time.
Remediation taught me that you cannot take anything for granted, that you never know what other people are going through, and that there is an unreasonable amount of stigma around having to remediate a course. Why? Why is it so shameful to admit that you are not invincible? I think it is about time that the conversation changed from criticizing remediation to instead offering a helpful hand to those having to go through it. After all, it is a second chance to right a wrong. Some other big lessons I learned are that we are often unaware of our blind spots, that it really pays off to make an honest effort early on, and that being overconfident is often a big red flag. It is easy to feel good about the things we are doing right, and while the alternative is not insecurity, staying humble and listening to early signs of exhaustion can go a long way towards staying on track.
Since that remediation I have taken time to reflect on the actions that led me there. I thought I knew myself as a student but as I learned (painfully), I was not taking the correct approach. Now, instead of doubling down on ineffective studying, I reach out to the peers who are thriving, and ask them for advice on how to study. I have had to learn all over again how to study from people that are younger than me. This has helped me realize that we are all in this together.
I know that the support I received during that time from my family, friends, classmates, and Student Affairs really helped me get through it. I would not have received any of this support had kept silent about remediation. Our class has inspired me many times with our sense of community and willingness to help others. I look forward, without taking anything for granted, to our next years together as the Class of 2022.
Comments