Throughout my schooling I was always able to earn A’s and B’s with minimal effort. My
habits, which enabled me to get by, included studying a few days before exams and using
colored pens to write and rewrite information (which I often forgot shortly after any
exam). I graduated from Brandeis University in 2018 and immediately started at NYU
Dentistry the following fall. I felt incredibly fortunate to have matriculated directly after
college and expected the same successes I had found before. I was ready to put in an
effort I previously hadn’t, but I would quickly learn how many years of inefficient study
habits would catch up to me.
From the very first day I found dental school classes accelerated at a pace to which I was
not accustomed. The hundreds of slides covered in a week of undergraduate classes were
covered in a single graduate school lecture, particularly in courses of significant
importance such as head and neck anatomy. I was not sure how to sort through it all,
especially since I previously did not develop proper study methods. I found I was not
remembering things well enough to recall them on exams and it was evident in my exam
grades. It was safe to say my first and second semester of D1 were quite an adjustment;
the defeat I felt was crushing.
Aside from my didactic courses, learning the dexterity and hand skills needed for a career in dentistry are significant portions of our education. I struggled in the beginning with the first assignments – taking impressions and completing wax-ups on diagnostic casts. I
must have taken ten to fifteen impressions to get it right each time and spent hours in lab
under the torches, one wax-up after another falling off, to get it right. When we began
drilling, I found the same difficulties. I could not find a comfortable position to sit
without craning to see the tooth I was working on and it took me a while to establish a
finger rest. Until a TA pointed out some brown burns on the plastic teeth, I did not even
realize I was supposed to have a steady water stream while drilling. I was not keeping up
the way I so desperately wanted. Second semester came around and practical season
began. For me, this was where I found the most frustration.
For each practical, I would come in during off hours (weekends and extra weekday
sessions) to practice. The first practical came and went. I broke the floor of the proximal
box portion of my mandibular class II preparation. Completing the second practical, I
found more success; I passed with a score I could be proud of, but my sense of
satisfaction was short lived. For the third practical, we had to complete a class III
one could make I hit.
Despite what felt like endless hours of practice, I also experienced an immeasurable
amount of anxiety during practical exams. No matter how many times I had practiced
doing a given preparation or composite filling before, when Dr. Bucklan started the timer,
my hands would shake, and my heart would race. I was not sure how to keep my
emotions under control, and with each failed practical, I knew I was inching closer to a
dreaded remediation of the entire course. I remember endless conversations with TAs, professors, and even Dr. Bucklan himself. I remember the sinking feeling and immense
panic I felt when I received my fifth practical failure. Despite my best efforts, I had to
remediate the course.
Remediation is such a taboo subject. Students are often afraid to share they have had
failures. I can totally relate to the feeling. Through the years, I’ve shared my experience
and kept it to myself depending on what a particular situation calls for. I’m typically a
very open person but have had a history of hesitation in sharing this particular experience
until I know I trust the person who will hear it. I will never forget sharing my failure with
someone I didn’t really know. I saw him in the library and realized he was an older
student in my group practice. We’d pass by each other and chat and one day, I just
blurted it out. I think I needed to get it off my chest. His response was one I go back to
and carry with me always – he was remediating a course as well. The shared fear we had
of what might come if we failed at the next step – remediation of the entire year – was
unspoken, but he was determined. He was taking the NBDE Part 1 that summer as well.
He told me he knew it would be a lot to handle, but he knew he was going to be okay. He
was going to put in his hardest work and learn from what had gotten him to this point. He
reassured me by saying that “at the end of the day, we all had to put one foot in front of
the other and do a little better than we had done the day before.” That’s all anyone could
really do. The conversation was one of many I ultimately had with friends and family
during that time and in the years after, but his initial honesty and courage gave me
permission to forgive myself. I could forgive myself for not living up to impossible
expectations I had developed. I could allow myself to face obstacles and fail to overcome
them. His bravery and trust gave me the courage to start to believe in myself. For that, I
am forever grateful.
In hindsight, remediation seemed so much scarier at that time than it ended up being.
Ultimately in life, failure is our greatest teacher and that was certainly true for me.
During my time remediating GDS I, I had the opportunity to improve my hand skills and
continue to learn foundational dental anatomy. I was also able to benefit from the
teachings of a former TA and NYU Dentistry student who would help me on days I was
not working in lab with pre-clinical faculty. I was able to get the one-on-one help I really
needed and pose the questions I previously had been afraid to ask. The skills I learned
throughout the course of that summer are foundational ones I have taken with me through
the rest of dental school.
The next semester, I found great success in my CR1 course. With the foundational skills I
had taken the time to re-learn as part of GDS I, I had a better handle on tooth anatomy
and basic procedures. I had a renewed sense of self. With a greater understanding of what
went wrong, when I was learning crown preparations, I had more confidence and an
ability to prevent the same thing from occurring again. In GDS I, I believe I didn’t start
asking for help with cavity preparations early enough. When I was really struggling first
semester, I should have proactively asked for a TA or upperclassmen friend to sit down
with me. Through my GDS I failure and remediation I came to understand that I learn
best by first watching and listening to the directions of someone in a one-on-one
situation. Setting aside times for them to watch and critique me as well helps me solidify my knowledge. Since I had not taken this approach while learning the first semester GDS
I procedures, it caught up to me in the second semester. I was nervous during every
practical because I knew what I needed to do but hadn’t built the hand skills over the
proper amount of time to establish the understanding needed to succeed. No matter how
many times I practiced during second semester, I had never had anyone sit down and
watch me, so I kept making mistakes. I just about covered all the ones I could make
during the course, and my nerves were only compounded by my lack of confidence.
When it came time for CR1, I sat down with a D4 friend right away who helped reinforce
the skills I was learning in the course. Though it made me anxious to take a few hours
away from studying, it made a world of difference; those few hours laid the groundwork
for success in CR1. Looking back, I knew I should have been doing those things during
GDS I as well. The experience taught me to ask for help as quickly and directly as
possible in exactly the way I know will benefit me, even if it takes a few hours away
from studying for didactic courses. The teaching experiences from upperclassmen always
pay off in dividends.
The win though, I learned through my remediation, was always what effort I put in and
what I learned from something, never in the letter grades themselves. Improvements in
my grades came during D2 and D3 with time and a willingness to adjust my study
methods. After such an unexpected academic year in 2020, showing up for others, to me,
has meant having the courage to share this story. I am sharing now, on this public
platform, to do my part and normalize being open about personal failure. I hope to give
others the courage to do the same.
Oftentimes, people have events happening in their lives which they may never speak
about; moments that make their time in professional school that much more challenging.
It is normal to experience failure. Whether people share or choose not to, no one is
immune, and we all have our own versions of it. My experience with GDS helped me
overcome my fear of failure – the sheer fear of looking weak and inferior to my peers, the
fear of feeling less than, the fear of coming up short. It helped me come to know myself
and better assess my needs. In such a fast-paced program, it has proven essential to know
exactly what will benefit me in my learning and what to ask for when I’m having trouble.
Second chances are not always a given, and I feel really lucky to have been able to have
had this important and formative one. It helped me come to understand my educational
needs and myself in ways I never could have imagined before.
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